I am puke
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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