now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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