I love black thongs
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
