ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
