6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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