Pants 0. Shit 1.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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