You really coming over, don't trick.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
