Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
