I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
