I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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