My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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