Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You left your phone here
Wait...
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