I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I am mentally ready for anal.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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