If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
