this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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