I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
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