I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
this is an emotional support booty call
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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