last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
