I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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