i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
