He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
