mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
