I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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