I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
