remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
