i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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