I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
