I cannot find my penis.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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