i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
