i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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