I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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