I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
