Just took my morning after pill in the library
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
