You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
