dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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