i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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