Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
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