I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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