I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
