My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
