if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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