He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
