I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
