I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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