Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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