my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
