I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
