i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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