my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
