Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
