I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
